After driving back from a stag do in Newquay, a couple of mates and I stopped at Exeter for a coffee. I didn’t think my weekend could get any better but then we saw Howard Donald (from popular, middle-aged boy band, Take That,) looking miserable. See the picture for proof.

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I don’t think it’s actually possible to get bored of this:

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I have a flower in my garden that looks abnormal (pictured). I emailed Alan Titchmarsh to get his expert advice. He just sort of shrugged his shoulders (you can tell lot from an email) and said:

“Dunno. Have you tried watering it and stuff?”.

I emailed him back minutes after watering it ‘and stuff’ and told him that nothing had happened, and it still looked a bit brown. He got back to me a few days later and this was his response:

“I’ve spoken to a few of my mates - including Monty Don, but not Charlie Dimmock, because we broke friends - and we all reckon it’s probably dead”.

I wouldn’t have got this vague rubbish from Percy Thrower.

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Sometimes, when you have a problem, it can seem like you’re all alone with no-one to turn to. Some people find solace in the bottom of a glass, others turn to music. I can’t afford a bottle of Vodka a night so I am going to to turn to the world of Rock n’ Roll. I decided to share my most mundane problems with the pop world as they’ve lived life to the full and have doubtless saved many livesa person from killing themselves. But who do I turn to first? Who can offer insight into my problems when no-one else seems to care?

Bono has single handedly solved all of the problems in the Third World so I can’t think of anyone more qualified to fix my case of depression. I told him that there are days when I get so depressed I just don’t want to get out of bed or face the world. He couldn’t really pin-point the source of my depression, or offer any real solution, but he did suggest that I may be confused over my racial background. Ultimately, his philosophical thoughts didn’t really help. I hope his ideas on how to solve Third World Debt are a little more decisive:

“Some days are dry, some days are leaky, some days come clean, other days are sneaky, some days take less, but most days take more, some slip through your fingers and onto the floor. Some days are slippy, other days sloppy, some days you can’t stand the sight of a puppy, your skin is white but you think you’re a brother, some days are better than others.”
Some Days Are Better Than Others - U2

Thanks for clearing that up Bono.

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There are bad dreams and there are dull dreams. My dream started off plainly enough; I went into my local shop to buy a milkshake. I couldn’t find a bottle of Chocolate flavoured Frijj milkshake anywhere so I did the only rational thing and decided to ask a member of staff. At this point, a man walked into the shop and put on a suit. This was the general manager, late for work. The member of staff tasked with solving my milkshake mystery whispered into the managers ear, and then, with clipboard in hand, the manager visited every shelf, marking off items that weren’t milkshakes.

I waited in front of the till for about an hour (in real-time) when I heard a man crying and screaming that he’d been in there for over 48 hours (he was ‘played’ by the guy who played Milly’s boss in ‘This Life‘). I started to panic, especially when I noticed that the shop had closed about half an hour ago. My nightmare ended when the manager calmy informed me that he couldn’t find any milkshakes, and offered me a jar of coffee as an alternative.

Can anyone think of a duller nightmare than that?

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I’m talking about the ones with feathers. Over the bank holiday I saw two instances of birds in strange places. First, I saw a duck in my road that caused me to swerve wildly to avoid it. Second, I saw a peacock on the streets of Hampton-in-Arden while on my way to the tip.

Can anyone who lives in Hampton-in Arden verifyor explain this strange sighting?

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…according to a 2 year old. As my wife and I entered the reception, my niece said to me: “What are you doing at my party?”. Needless to say, I put her straight.

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I’ve been watching the first series of Alan Partridge again and I still laugh out loud even though I know what’s coming. ‘The Office’ may be a bit more intelligent with more of a story line, but ‘I’m Alan Partridge’ is funnier.

Aha!

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I lost a load of my posts and I haven’t had time to do much about it. Why? Because I’ve been busy getting married and this site has not been at the top of my priority list. The big day was April 9th and I’ve just got off my honeymoon to Fuertaventura. I would reccomend getting married to anyone (as long as it’s to the right person, you understand). I will be paying a bit more attention to the website from now on.

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If you’ve ever seen this site before then you’ll know it normally looks different and normally contains some fantastic content. I have managed to lose all my previous posts and I now got to try and get them back. Please be patient with me…

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